6th Week: the Holy Spirit and me

I will never be able to understand God. I will never grasp what God is. I can be conscious of some aspects of Him, powerful aspects, any of which would take a lifetime to understand and probably not in full. It's crazy, and it makes me humble. You know, I kind of have the feeling that everything can be understood by my mind, absorb the knowledge and give it a good use, changing my way of life according to what I know now.

Yeah, good luck trying to do that with God. Or with the Holy Spirit alone. It's impossible. Totally impossible. And now I know that, but it's really difficult to asume! I'm proud in that. Got an IQ of 136, I'm clever, have an academical viewpoint of, well, everything... It's cool and helpful if I need to understand algebra. It makes enjoyable learning and memorizing historical dates. But about understanding God is useless.

Oh, this? Just an image of my last brain scan. Nothing out of the usual.
For me, I mean.

Useless. My intelect is useless. Wow. Writing it hurts. Thinking it hurts. I've feel really bad this week because I have to admit that I am made at image and likeness of Him, and still there's no way in Hell for me to comprehend my spiritual Father. Of course, I can find comfort in His promises. It's true that there's no way in Hell nor in Earth. But there's a way in Heaven; the Bible says that in Heaven I'll know God in full. That's amazing, and helps me to cope with the frustration of not being able to just, you know... putting God into a box where I could analyze Him. Again, as we said a couple of weeks ago, I don't wanna worship a God that I can see in full. I don't need to understand Him to love what I can see when I'm in his presence. It's just sometimes when I'm simply amazed and in awe and a bit, a little bit, frustrated, because I'm used to get to know everything I put my mind on.

This week, the Spirit came to the classroom and enjoyed us. In the sense that He made us all feel so full of joy that we couldn't stop laughing, and running, and dancing, and being crazy. A couple of us became drunk of the Spirit. Yeah, now I read quite differently Acts 1 and 2. I can't see anymore a great group of Jesus Christ disciples, receiving solemnly the fire that came from heavens over their heads and claiming the Gospel on any language known by mankind. That happened, for sure: they were claiming the Gospel and everyone understood them on their own language. The Bible says so, I'm no doubting that.

It's just that, around them and at the same time, and while claiming the Gospel too, they were a lot of people dancing spontaneously, laughing until their bellies hurt and then some, singing, clapping, jumping. I know understand why a lot of people saw them, God's chosen disciples, and thought "wow, I haven't seen so many drunkards at a time since Herod bachelor's party". Now that I've seen what they saw, such thought makes a lot more sense.

Not pictured: people people about to wet himself laughing

I've been in an emotional rollercoaster the full week. I hoped miracles. First day, Kevin talked to me and told me that God knows my heart and my creativity and is going to use me in that terms. That was amazing, and so fulfilling! I attended every class with hunger. Then, in wednesday, we were told that God will reveal to us and that there would be healings. And every time I think about God healing, I cover my myopic eyes and pray to receive it. I put a lot of hope on this. In fact, with my faith strengthened by the DTS teachings, it was obvious that God was going to fully heal my eyes! And maybe my broken wisdom tooth too!

And then nothing happened and I experiences in twenty minutes a whole depression. Wednesday's morning class ended and I wanted to kill myself, because God didn't love me enough to heal my eyes, or maybe He never had existed and every miracle that I witnessed until now were some kind of coincidences and I was trapped in South Africa and indebted and nothing was right.

Of course, I immediately ran to Nathan, because he's the kind of gentle giant that makes you feel safe and has the same kind of heart for worship that I want to develop on myself; I told him everything, he and Arno prayed for me, and as suddenly had come, the bitterness disappeared. Also, that night we were going to have the ministry night. I had hope again.

The night started fine, the tongues were unleashed, we sang and laughed, and then that was all again. My eyes were still untouched. Everyone started to burst in laughter and happiness and joy, and there I was, feeling so hurt with God and without being able to fight the same negative thoughts that harrassed me in the morning. I just cried trying not to draw anyone's attention, because they were being happy, and probably they deserved it. But not me. Maybe I had crossed some line on my time in occultism: my soul was scarred and impure, unworthy to God, in a different way than the flesh sins, so Jesus blood wasn't for me. Old fears and rationalizations were all over me. 

"Also, you're fat and have smelly feet. And now,
I'll start with the 'your mom' jokes."

Then someone came to me and prayed me. As he prayed, again the fears and the suffering couldn't stand. I was free to receive again, and I called for the Holy Spirit to give me his joy too, and it came, and I laughed and laughed while holding my sides, while crying and dancing.

I was focused on God's hand, more than in God's face. I wanted magic instead of intimacy. I was wrong. Now I feel stripped of all my pride, and in fact my self-esteem is stablishing itself again, slowly. I feel vulnerable and dependant. It's kind of awful, but also feels right, if that makes any sense. Today I belong to God more than before, because He has touched deep rooted issues that troubled me to take them away forever. I'm really grateful for this week.